Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

dream blunt rotation

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses