It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
😅🤣😂
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.