Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

remember

only for emergencies

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.