Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Worst Native American name ever.

This is my favorite one of these!

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

wut hotdog?

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.