Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

*launders Kohls cash*

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker