IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I like long walks away from everyone
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.