It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
You Might Also Like
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Weirdos gonna weird.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them