It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
You Might Also Like
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
😭😭😭😭
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate