It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I only eat vegetarians.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!