It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
President The Rock Obama
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
your honor my client chooses dare
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and