Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Perfect

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses