It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth