It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
There’s only one good girl here!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”