It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have