Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

I would like even faster food.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Me too

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”