It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

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Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome


In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.


[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?


Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.


My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.


my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there