Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
is this because i’m from new joisey?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.