@Six_Pack_Mom
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
@UKWildcatgal
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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@Six_Pack_Mom
@JillianKarger
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
@lil_scenic
@valerie_tosi
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
@G_Faylor
[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?
@maxi_tea
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
@girlontapas
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
@theblowout
my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there
@CharmandBrains
*Inspirational Tweets*
@TheRealPalMal
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.