It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that