It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.