Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film