It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
even bears disappoint their mothers
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy