It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away