It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack