Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

This was the best day of my life

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

LOL