@CantWaitToNap

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

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@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@SuperRandomish

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

@MarfSalvador

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@BrownDogBlanket

*gets saltwater fish tank

*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage

staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean

@asaltiercorpse

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

@SortaBad

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*