It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check