@CantWaitToNap

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

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@MacMcCannTX

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

@attsmcjay

The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

@3sunzzz

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

@MariasWestSide

Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story

@envydatropic

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

@LittleMissAngr1

I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.