Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.