It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online