It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.