Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.