It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.