It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.