It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel