It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
(Gaming support cat.)
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.