Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’m having an out of money experience.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.