Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

😸

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids