“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
no way 😭
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.