“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You Might Also Like
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I have never related to anyone more.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.