IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
They’re on their honeymoon
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard