Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

When you have to use a public restroom.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.