IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
$4 #usedbooks
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy