IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them