Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on