Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.