IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”