Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit