Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO