It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Him: didn’t the therapist say you should live “in the moment”?
Me: yeah but not THIS one
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
dude it’s called proctologist
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.