It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
🖤✌🏽
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.