It has been 3 years since Monday.
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.