Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.