It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
🤭😂
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.