It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian