Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

If snakes were wide

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”