Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…