It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
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You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no