It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
what do you want
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?