It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
normalize having existential bread
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.