It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou