It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
You Might Also Like
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.