It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Put a ring on it
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
