Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.