Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Only Americans understand

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”