It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.