It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My neck, my back, my…
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
That de-escalated quickly
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
