It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
be safe out there!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances