It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You Might Also Like
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!