It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
no regrets
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: