It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like