It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Why font matters.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now