Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?