It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.