Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.