It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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What?!?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
This kid will have a bright future.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer