It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Overindulged this afternoon.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My life in a nutshell
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
