Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing