Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Always

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally