It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later