It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.