IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
broke down and did it
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I basically called this earlier today
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*